Minding Kikie

Ternyata menerima yang terbaik itu susah juga yah. Remember all those posts about me trying to achieve my dream? Well, I don't get it. I want it bad. But I am afraid that if I get it, I wouldn't be able to bear the consequences.. so I asked GOD to give me the BEST. Now, he gave me the best! Gue gak lolos dari berbagai seleksi yang udah gue ikutin sejak bulan Juni. Saat ini sih gue belum bisa liat kenapa gue gak dapet.. tapi I believe that GOD must have planned something greater than this.. But for now, I just want to say.. accepting The Best ternyata gak semudah yang gue bayangkan.. :D Aza!

Happy Birthday Daddy!! Too bad you couldn't be here with us to celebrate it... If only you're here, I would give you the shirt and tie you've been nagging me about.. Well, your lost :)

Wow. The phone finally rang. I'm almost there. Step 3 is here. Have you ever cried because you want something really bad? I have. Last night. I want this. Wish me luck.

Hmmm.. Kok belum ditelpon juga yah?? *Ngarep.com* Hehehehe :D

I'm still not over you. I'm still sobbing. I'm still crying. I'm still here on my knees.. Begging for you to come back.. To sit on my right at the dining table. To ask for my food. To watch all those action movies I am so reluctant to buy. To tease me. To make me mad. To give me good advices. To not listen to what I said about cholesterol and cokes. To just be here. For Me. Because even after 9 months and 21 days, I'm still not over you. Still sobbing. Still crying. Still finding ways to live my life without you. Daddy, I miss you. Please forgive me.

Dia lewat lagi. Kita bertemu lagi. Bertukar senyum lagi. Ia berjalan... Terlihat yakin akan dirinya sendiri. Menatap ke depan dengan penuh percaya diri. Langkahnya mantap dengan kedua tangan di dalam saku celananya. Acuh tak perduli pendapat orang. Pendapat orang akan... Gayanya yang sedikit 'nyeleneh' Bajunya yang selalu hitam Tataan rambut yang agak berantakan Dia memang agak aneh. Dia terlihat berbeda. Dia juga berbeda karena senyumnya. Senyum yang selalu menghiasi raut wajahnya. Senyum yang seakan menyapa setiap jiwa. Senyum yang membuatku selalu menanti... Pertemuan berikutnya... Saat kita akan Jatuh Cinta. -To Lelaki Berbaju Hitam. Thanks for making me crave again.-

A Song by Luther Vandross Back when I was a child Before life removed all the innocence My father would lift me high And dance with my mother and me and then Spin me around 'til I fell asleep Then up the stairs he would carry me And I knew for sure I was loved If I could get another chance... another walk... another dance with him... I'd play a song that would never, ever end... How I'd love, love, love... To dance with my father again When I and my mother would disagree To get my way, I would run from her to him He'd make me laugh just to comfort me Then finally make me do just what my mama said Later that night when I was asleep He left a dollar under my sheet Never dreamed that he would be gone from me If I could steal one final glance... one final step... one final dance with him... I'd play a song that would never, ever end... 'Cause I'd love, love, love... To dance with my father again Sometimes I'd listen outside her door And I'd hear how...

Focusing on the dream. It will be here. It will be here. It will be here. Any day now. Last night I got the third phone call, but didn't get a chance to pick it up since I was doing my pray. But they don't call me again. Anxiously waiting. It will be here. It will be here. It will be here. It will be here. It will be here. It will be here. It will be here. It will be here. ... I will say it until it's here. Or until it won't. But I hope it will. Wish me luck again every one! -waiting anxiously trying to breathe.-

Yay! Step 2 is finally here! Edited: Step 2 is done! Now, waiting for Step 3 to come.. Wish me luck every one!

My piedut just smsed me. It sounded like this. "I love you soooo much.. It doesn't hurt because your love is the kind of love that will never hurt me. Wof yu wof yu wof yu" Terharu. What could beat that? Trust me, NONE!

Now, I have officially been up for more than 24 hours! Puih!!!!

Kecewa. Harusnya enggak, tapi iya. Mau Marah. Harusnya sih sabar, tapi tetep aja gue emosi. Sebel. Harusnya sih biasa aja, tapi gue sebel. Ih! Kenapa sih? Harusnya gue gak expect, tapi gue expect. Mungkin karena itu kecewa, sebel dan mau marah! Oh well, gotta start to learn the lessons Kie!!!

Dia. Dia. Dia. Yang buat aku tersenyum hari ini. Yang buat aku tertawa bahagia hari ini. Thanks babe! you know who you are!

Oh how I love them so. Ika. Citra. Leli. Ndut. Mboti. Piedut. The love of my life. The apple of my eyes. I am so glad that I was born as the eldest of these three wonderful human beings. And I could never stop thanking GOD for giving me three younger sisters, because I could never imagine my life without these three noisy and loud girls. Love. I could only define love when I imagine how I feel for these three. Because love means to sacrifice, love means not being able to live ( or even imagining to live ) without them in my life, love means completing each other, love means being there for each other, love means calling each other just to say 'I miss you!' even though we have just seen each other in the morning, love means asking each other to go home fastly because you have some unimportant story to share, these three girls mean love to me! They are my world. I wrote this because last night, one of them called me simply to tell me that she missed me eventhough we have seen eac...

Step one to my dream: Done. Excitedly waiting for the step 2 to come around! Yay! Wish me luck everyone..

Hari ini tugas ke Bali. Aduwh! Males banget. *Bersyukur kie.. bersyukur.. Orang lain mau ke Bali gak bisa, elo bisa ke Bali, malah bilang aduwh!* Ini kata hati gue yang ngomong. :D Kenapa yah? Gue gak pernah excited kalo mau ninggalin rumah. Gak pernah looking forward. Excited paling awalnya doang, pas udah hari H-nya malah nelongso.. PAYAH!! Hari ini ke Bali bareng Wening (fotografer gue), Cune (Orang Gila!) dan Myrna (Nona Penggoda).. Semoga kita have fun lah.. *ayo semangat!!* Ini kata hati gue lagi.. Entar lah pulang dari sana cerita2.. nantikan yah.. huahahha :D As if anyone reads this blog.. :P

Paulo Coelho said "when you want something, the universe will conspire to help you achieve it!". This time, I'm wondering, will the universe conspire in helping me achieving my dreams? It's finally here for me to just GRAB it.. would I be able to do that? I'm scared. But it's common right, to feel scared when you're so close from your dreams. Your wishes. I hope not only I will be brave and GRAB it! But also, I would be able to actually GET it!!! Oh dreams.. You make my heart ache. You make the knot beats stronger here in the center of myself. Oh wishes.. Why can't I just be satisfy with my comfort zone? Why can't I stop wanting? Ooooh.. Please ya Allah.. help me this time! Because I want it so bad. Ps: Let you know in a month if I made it! Hopefully it's good news!

Do I dare to fall? Huahahhaha :D A nice way to end the day.. Seeing the smile.. His smile.. Oh well..

I was just typing. Just now. Just 5 minutes before I started typing in this blog. I was working on this presentation when suddenly I thought of my dad. Something that I wrote in the presentation reminded me of him. I don't know what it is because if I looked at it again, there's nothing really that would remind me of him. I could not remember what it was that reminded me of him. All I could remember is, I was typing then I wanted to tell my dad about the thing that I typed. So, I turned my head to my desk to find my handphone so that I could give him a call. Then, I remember. He's not reachable anymore. He's not here anymore. How could I forget that? After 7 months he was gone? Then I looked his picture on my desk. I still couldn't believe that he's gone. Why? Why can't I remember that he's no longer here? After I looked his picture, I felt this knot. This sudden sadness. Again. He's gone for 7 months now, but.. I still remember the way he looked. Hi...

I realized today that just when you thought you had the worst luck, you'll see someone who has even the worst than your worst luck. I thought I hit rock bottom this morning. There's this knot. Why wouldn't it go away?! It's even worse today. Maybe it was because I had such a bad cough that I couldn't hardly sleep. Maybe it was because of it that I felt sleepy this morning. Maybe it was because I felt sleepy that I missed my morning prayer. Dang it! Maybe it was because of it, I have a bad mood. Maybe it was because I was in just a bad mood that I decided to comment on that stupid internet guy. Maybe it was the comment that made me even in a much worse mood. Maybe it was the mood that made me notice that my staffs just don't care about me. Maybe it was them that made me even sadder and made my mood ever worse. Maybe it was again my mood that made the knot seems bigger and bigger. Maybe it was the knot that finally made me cry today. Just when I thought I reached ...