Minding Kikie

today.. after 3 months.. we finally become one. May we last forever. Amin.

He spoke of a woman. One of his dream. The most perfect woman, he said. She is smart, that he listens to her. She is wise, that he admires her. She is talkative, that he finds it comfortable with her. She is nice, that he respects her. She is funny, that he adores her. She is pretty, that he likes it she doesn’t have to wear make up. She is sexy, that he stated the fact three times in one minute. She is sexy, that his voice gets excited when he mentioned it again for the forth time. She is sexy, that his eyes light up when he mentioned it again for the fifth time. She is sexy, that he admires how her figure doesn’t change after all the pregnancies. She is sexy, that he used to want her (maybe he still does). When he speaks of her, he speaks of someone from the past. One, so admirable in all her deepest thoughts that leave him in awe. When he speaks of her, he speaks of his dream. One, so impressive in how she looks from head to toe. When he speaks of her, he speaks of a perfect woman. ...

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finally.. glances. smiles. all out in the air. :)

A New Chapter has just begun.. ...look forward to having a wonderful journey.

Hari ini cuti lebaranku sudah dimulai (puih! akhirnya.. I really need this holiday). Pagi ini aku mulai dengan ikut sahur terakhir (tahun ini) sama mama dan adek2. Seru banget, ketawa-ketawa bareng. Ramadhan kali ini, somehow, berbeda dengan tahun lalu. Tahun lalu dengan berpulangnya Bapak membuat Ramadhan menjadi lebih sedih, walaupun lebih khusyuk rasanya. Ramadhan tahun ini, terasa lebih ringan. Lebih gembira. Kita sekeluarga terasa sudah kembali 'normal' dan terbiasa dengan ketidakberadaan Bapak. Terbiasa memang, namun terkadang, kerinduan yang dalam akan kehadiran si Bapak sangat menusuk hati. Mungkin 'terbiasa' bukan kata yang tepat untuk itu, kata yang tepat adalah mencoba melupakan bahwa Bapak sudah tidak ada. Mencoba berpikir bahwa mungkin saja Bapak saat ini sedang ada di mesjid, sedang i'tikaf seperti yang biasa dia lakukan saat Ramadhan. Saya ingat satu kejadian di Ramadhan kali ini yang membuat rasa rindu saya ke Bapak semakin menusuk-nusuk. Hari Sabtu ...

"Mbak, ibaratnya untuk mendapatkan elo itu harganya 1000, terus ada yang mau bayar 20, masa lo mau? Yang mau bayar 100 aja gak bakal dapet, apalagi yang cuma mau bayar 20?!" I love you for loving me enough to say those things, Dek !

"Whenever I watch romantic movies, witness couples kiss and make up, sing love songs; I smile and feel good cos love still works, If not for me at least for others" - ally mcbeal Right on Ally!

aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! aduh! maksudnya apa sih?

curhat ah.. [abis yang mau dicurhatin lagi gak tauk kemana.. heheh] hari ini dimulai biasa-biasa aja dengan rasa ngantuk yang alhamdulillah sudah lebih mendingan dari kemaren [untung ada starbucks. untung juga ada yang beliin. thanks yah jon.]. agak sedih karena rian nelpon pagi2 dan curhat karena sedih. aduh yan! pls deh, you deserve better than that b!$%h deh.. okeh? be strong my friend. nyampe kantor masih fine2 aja.. tiba2 berita buruk dateng, salah seorang anak buah gue [gak penting!] betrayed me. maksudnya apa sih? kurang baik apa sih kita selama ini? dan yang lebih bikin bete, she is supposed to be the person who knows better about keeping your promises! for the long jilbab she wore.. GOD! maksudnya apa sih? jadi seharian bete gara2 itu.. males mau ngapain2.. kenapa orang2 yang seharusnya lebih bagus agamanya, lebih ngerti hukum2nya Allah malah justru yang dengan gampang melanggar hal seperti itu sih?! minggu ini emang gue diuji untuk bersabar terhadap hal-hal seperti itu.. saba...

I came across this email today and thought it would be good to post it on my blog. ------ "Sekadar renungan buat insan yang bergelar wanita. Ketahuilah betapa istimewanya menjadi wanita. Betapa bertuahnya menjadi wanita. Bersyukurlah kerana menjadi wanita. Bacalah risalah ini dengan niat untuk diamalkan dan sampaikan kepada mereka yang lain. Insya Allah." Doa wanita lebih maqbul daripada lelaki karena sifat penyayang yang lebih kuat daripada lelaki. Ketika ditanya kepada Rasulallah s.a.w. akan hal tersebut, jawab baginda: "Ibu lebih penyayang daripada bapa dan doa orang yang penyayang tidak akan sia-sia." Wanita yang solehah (baik) itu lebih baik daripada 1,000 orang lelaki yang tidak soleh. Seorang wanita solehah adalah lebih baik daripada 70 orang wali. Seorang wanita solehah adalah lebih baik daripada 70 lelaki soleh. Barang siapa yang menggembirakan anak perempuannya , darjatnya seumpama orang yang sentiasa menangis kerana takutkan Allah s.w.t. dan orang yang t...

ya Allah.. hari ini cobaan puasaku banyak sekali. sabar...

As-Syahid Syed Qutb Ya Allah, Jika aku jatuh cinta, cintakanlah aku pada seseorang yang melabuhkan cintanya pada-Mu, agar bertambah kekuatan ku untuk mencintai-Mu. Ya Muhaimin, Jika aku jatuh cinta, jagalah cintaku padanya agar tidak melebihi cintaku pada-Mu Ya Allah, Jika aku jatuh hati, izinkanlah aku menyentuh hati seseorang yang hatinya tertaut pada-Mu, agar tidak terjatuh aku dalam jurang cinta semu. Ya Rabbana, Jika aku jatuh hati, jagalah hatiku padanya agar tidak berpaling dari hati-Mu. Ya Rabbul Izzati, Jika aku rindu, rindukanlah aku pada seseorang yang merindui syahid di jalan-Mu. Ya Allah, Jika aku rindu, jagalah rinduku padanya agar tidak lalai aku merindukan syurga-Mu. Ya Allah, Jika aku menikmati cinta kekasih-Mu, janganlah kenikmatan itu melebihi kenikmatan indahnya bermunajat di sepertiga malam terakhirmu. Ya Allah, Jika aku jatuh hati pada kekasih-Mu, jangan biarkan aku tertatih dan terjatuh dalam perjalanan panjang menyeru manusia kepada-Mu. Ya Allah, Jika Kau halal...

Why is it so hard to love? You'd think you have done all the right things to make the one you love comfortable, when in fact, you're driving him away with all the love. I could be the queen of bad romantic relationships. Weird, because my friends come to me to solve their love problems, but when it comes to me, I am completely clueless. Every break-ups, eventhough we eventually become good friends, are always hard. The reasons of my break-ups varies. From me being too independent to acting like I don't need men in my life that these men feel like I didn't need them. When that happened, I said, oh well, if that's what you feel and there's nothing I can do anymore, then let me go. They always did. Let me go. So, I made a promise. The next time I'm in a relationship with a guy I would make him feel like he matters [not that the old ones didn't]. That he exists. That I constantly think about him. That I adore him. That I care for him. That I love him. Love h...

It was February. You smiled at me. You were laughing. You were happy. With Her. It was February. When my world came crashing down on me. When I broke down. When I cried. For you. It was February. You let me go. You let me go. You let me go. For I will never let you go, if you didn't. It was February. I learned how to be happy for the one you love. I learned that love only means love. I learned that I am infact happy to see you happy. It was February. It was March. April. May. June. July. August. September. October. I stand up and say I'm alright. I am. I am. I am. But.. It was last night. When I heard your voice on the phone. When you laughed. When you teased me. When you told me a joke. When you told me you're coming today. I realize, I am not alright after all. - Letting go is hard, man!

Mau dong. I'm so jealous. Hiks. Hiks. Hiks.

where do all those inspirations go? i want to write but couldn't find a word..

Just like every year, Kak Hanni manages to celebrate Ramadhan by sending people daily stories about Ramadhan or Islam. It is always insightful. But today, for the first time, it brought tear to my eyes. I thought I share it with you. Catatan 2 Ramadhan 1426H "Tiap-tiap yang berjiwa akan merasakan mati. Kami akan menguji kamu dengan keburukan dan kebaikan sebagai cobaan (yang sebenar-benarnya). Dan hanya kepada Kami-lah kamu dikembalikan" [QS Al Anbiyaa' ayat 35] ************************************************* "Bunda Bobo ya... Dinda tungguin di luar" Entah kenapa, beberapa hari terakhir ini aku kerap teringat pada mbak Nita, kakak sahabatku yang sedang berjuang melawan penyakit kanker rongga hidung. Memasuki Ramadhan, kesibukan mempersiapkan anak sulungku untuk belajar puasa terasa begitu 'exciting' dan itu mengingatkanku pada mbak Nita, karena Dinda, putrinya pun kira-kira seusia dengan Amanda-ku. Bolak-balik aku terdiam, membayangkan bahwa semestinya...

How long do you need to know a person before you can completely trust him? Beats me.

Enough. God, help me.

Citra said something funny today that cracked me up. She has been stressed-out from her work as a teacher and the fact that home has been empty since wednesday since Mom is away on business trip to Bali and Leli is with her, while Ika is still in Bandung. So, home is basically me and her with Abah and Ngatni. Empty. She came to my office this afternoon [she is known for her stupid remarks when she's dead tired] and just when she was about to pray she said,'Thank GOD, the house will be complete tonight!' Then I thought, 'oh ya, mom, ika and leli will be back tonight.' Before I even finished my thought she continued,'because Bapak is finally coming home.' I looked at her and laughed and laughed and laughed. Our bitterness has turned into a light laughter in this friday afternoon.. Hehhe.. Yeah, I wish Bapak is coming home today. That will be COMPLETE! [but, hey, what is complete anyways?]. Mommy and Daddy Smiling Nurdin Clan...

Ih! Ada apa dengan hati sih? Ih! Kenapa hati seperti ini? Ih! Hati ini mengusik hidupku yang tenang. Ih! Aku tersenyum, tapi aku tak bisa berhenti berpikir. Hatiku tidak bisa berhenti merasa. Ih! Aku kembali lagi ke tempat ini. Ih! Aku tidak suka tempat ini. Tempat yang selalu buat aku gelisah. Tempat yang selalu buat aku menangis. Tempat yang selalu buat aku kecewa. Ih! Jika memang hidupku terusik, jika memang aku tidak menyukai tempat ini, jika memang hatiku tidak ingin merasa, mengapa aku memintanya ketika ia tidak ada? Ih! Bagaimana kalau kali ini bukan aku yang menangis? yang terusik? yang kecewa? Ih! Bagaimana kalau kali ini aku yang membuat perih itu ada, membuat rasa kecewa terasa, dan membuat airmata itu pilu? Ih! Aku bisa hidup dengan sedihku, tapi bagaimana dengan mereka yang menangis karenaku? Aku bisa hidup dengan kecewaku, tapi bagaimana dengan mereka yang tertunduk oleh kecewaku? Aku bisa hidup dengan perasaanku, tangisku, penderitaanku, tapi bagaimana dengan mereka yang...

...kangen...

...and here i go again... so many things to say... yet couldn't find the right words for it. yet my hands are numb and can't type it. yet my lips are glued from saying anything. Sigh. how did i get here?

It's wonderful to know that a perfect stranger can make your sun shines brighter this morning. :) - a 'smirk' for someone who hates it so much.

September 20, 2004 5:30am I woke up hesitantly, contemplating what I should do after I finished doing my prayer. ‘Should I go to the office and finish all those works on my event. Or should I go back to sleep. Or should I exercise and burn those calories.’ After thinking hard, I thought I just exercised first, then took a bath, then went to the office. It was Monday and the day of the country’s presidential election. So I put on my exercise outfit, went downstairs, turned on the vcd player, and I forgot to bring towel for those sweats. Then I entered my parents’ room where I found my dad coughing lightly. I smiled, not sure at whom. But I just walked straightly to the closet where I could always find towels. Still hearing my dad’s coughing. ‘It must be all the ice he drank!’ I thought. Then he said, “Kie, don’t you know that your dad is sick.’ And without turning my back, I just snapped easily at him, I said,”Bapak sih! It must all the ice you drank!” He didn’t say anything. And I just...

Oh.. I want so many things. In the morning, I want to stay in bed, I want to curl up in my bed, I want to eat good breakfast, I want the traffic to end, I want my driver to drive better, I want all the buses and mikrolets to not stop as they wish, I want all my dreams to come true, I want many things in the morning. In the afternoon, I want to have lunch at exactly 12pm because I am so hungry, I want to eat good lunch so I don't have to think about dinner, I want to laugh my heart out with the geng, I want the sun not to shine so brightly so that I could cross the street, I want to meet the guy who always wears black, I want to finish all those meetings, I want to be done with my work, I want a phone call from my next job interviews, I want many things in the afternoon. In the evening, I want the traffic to end, I want the highway to not full of cars, I want to arrive home before maghrib so I won't miss my prayer, I want to exercise for an hour at threadmill but couldn't si...

My heart hurts again. Don't know the future, but at least, I know my heart still works. :D

Have you ever had one of those mornings when you wake up and think that it's gonna be a beautiful day? I have. Unfortunately, not today! I woke up just like every day at 5am for my morning pray, then like always, I slept again, hoping I could get up 6:05am (and not 6:30am like usual) so that I could arrive faster at the office. But, my body didn't want to compromise and woke up at, yup! you guessed it!, at 6:30am. To make things worse, the traffic was BAD!!!! it started at the bridge near my house (where there's usually no traffic) --traffic. Next was the intersection where you could always, always!, see bad traffic, and today, there was a fire and a huge fire truck was parked in the middle of the street.. so imagine! So I turned and took another ways.. that wasn't good either. Highway.. Jalan Tol.. was no different today! TRAFFIC.. Puihhhh!!!! I supposed to know this by the way I woke up.. After 3 hours, I finally arrived at the office.. and.. the beautiful day began.....

I am watching 'Growing Up Gotti' as I am writing about this and just before I'm writing about this I was planning to write about being a slave. How I'm a slave now.. a modern-funky one, but still, a slave! ha! Then I saw how Victoria Gotti got to order around her staffs or friends or whatever, all these people didn't seem to happy (if they did, it's probably because they're on TV!), but she has the money so she can do whatever right? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! but in the real world, I guess.. I've been a slave for too long now.. man! can't take it anymore.. for all kinds of reasons.. I love my work.. I love what I do.. I just hate................................................................ it! Just now, I'm wondering what GOD wants me to do. Stay and learn more? OR Leave and just stand up for myself? Please ya Allah.. help me make a decision.. I hate this slave thing..!!!

capeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!!! ...and no one could even help me! sucks! do i push people away when they wanted to help me so often that they don't even care to lend a hand when i need it most? or... do i make it too easy for people that they just used to having me doing everything and think i don't need help? what is it????? GOD! i'm sick with this stupid fever and bad headache that doesn't seem to go away after three days! but no one seems to care... or at least make it easier for me to stay at home and get better!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Ternyata menerima yang terbaik itu susah juga yah. Remember all those posts about me trying to achieve my dream? Well, I don't get it. I want it bad. But I am afraid that if I get it, I wouldn't be able to bear the consequences.. so I asked GOD to give me the BEST. Now, he gave me the best! Gue gak lolos dari berbagai seleksi yang udah gue ikutin sejak bulan Juni. Saat ini sih gue belum bisa liat kenapa gue gak dapet.. tapi I believe that GOD must have planned something greater than this.. But for now, I just want to say.. accepting The Best ternyata gak semudah yang gue bayangkan.. :D Aza!

Happy Birthday Daddy!! Too bad you couldn't be here with us to celebrate it... If only you're here, I would give you the shirt and tie you've been nagging me about.. Well, your lost :)

Wow. The phone finally rang. I'm almost there. Step 3 is here. Have you ever cried because you want something really bad? I have. Last night. I want this. Wish me luck.

Hmmm.. Kok belum ditelpon juga yah?? *Ngarep.com* Hehehehe :D

I'm still not over you. I'm still sobbing. I'm still crying. I'm still here on my knees.. Begging for you to come back.. To sit on my right at the dining table. To ask for my food. To watch all those action movies I am so reluctant to buy. To tease me. To make me mad. To give me good advices. To not listen to what I said about cholesterol and cokes. To just be here. For Me. Because even after 9 months and 21 days, I'm still not over you. Still sobbing. Still crying. Still finding ways to live my life without you. Daddy, I miss you. Please forgive me.

Dia lewat lagi. Kita bertemu lagi. Bertukar senyum lagi. Ia berjalan... Terlihat yakin akan dirinya sendiri. Menatap ke depan dengan penuh percaya diri. Langkahnya mantap dengan kedua tangan di dalam saku celananya. Acuh tak perduli pendapat orang. Pendapat orang akan... Gayanya yang sedikit 'nyeleneh' Bajunya yang selalu hitam Tataan rambut yang agak berantakan Dia memang agak aneh. Dia terlihat berbeda. Dia juga berbeda karena senyumnya. Senyum yang selalu menghiasi raut wajahnya. Senyum yang seakan menyapa setiap jiwa. Senyum yang membuatku selalu menanti... Pertemuan berikutnya... Saat kita akan Jatuh Cinta. -To Lelaki Berbaju Hitam. Thanks for making me crave again.-

A Song by Luther Vandross Back when I was a child Before life removed all the innocence My father would lift me high And dance with my mother and me and then Spin me around 'til I fell asleep Then up the stairs he would carry me And I knew for sure I was loved If I could get another chance... another walk... another dance with him... I'd play a song that would never, ever end... How I'd love, love, love... To dance with my father again When I and my mother would disagree To get my way, I would run from her to him He'd make me laugh just to comfort me Then finally make me do just what my mama said Later that night when I was asleep He left a dollar under my sheet Never dreamed that he would be gone from me If I could steal one final glance... one final step... one final dance with him... I'd play a song that would never, ever end... 'Cause I'd love, love, love... To dance with my father again Sometimes I'd listen outside her door And I'd hear how...

Focusing on the dream. It will be here. It will be here. It will be here. Any day now. Last night I got the third phone call, but didn't get a chance to pick it up since I was doing my pray. But they don't call me again. Anxiously waiting. It will be here. It will be here. It will be here. It will be here. It will be here. It will be here. It will be here. It will be here. ... I will say it until it's here. Or until it won't. But I hope it will. Wish me luck again every one! -waiting anxiously trying to breathe.-

Yay! Step 2 is finally here! Edited: Step 2 is done! Now, waiting for Step 3 to come.. Wish me luck every one!

My piedut just smsed me. It sounded like this. "I love you soooo much.. It doesn't hurt because your love is the kind of love that will never hurt me. Wof yu wof yu wof yu" Terharu. What could beat that? Trust me, NONE!

Now, I have officially been up for more than 24 hours! Puih!!!!

Kecewa. Harusnya enggak, tapi iya. Mau Marah. Harusnya sih sabar, tapi tetep aja gue emosi. Sebel. Harusnya sih biasa aja, tapi gue sebel. Ih! Kenapa sih? Harusnya gue gak expect, tapi gue expect. Mungkin karena itu kecewa, sebel dan mau marah! Oh well, gotta start to learn the lessons Kie!!!

Dia. Dia. Dia. Yang buat aku tersenyum hari ini. Yang buat aku tertawa bahagia hari ini. Thanks babe! you know who you are!

Oh how I love them so. Ika. Citra. Leli. Ndut. Mboti. Piedut. The love of my life. The apple of my eyes. I am so glad that I was born as the eldest of these three wonderful human beings. And I could never stop thanking GOD for giving me three younger sisters, because I could never imagine my life without these three noisy and loud girls. Love. I could only define love when I imagine how I feel for these three. Because love means to sacrifice, love means not being able to live ( or even imagining to live ) without them in my life, love means completing each other, love means being there for each other, love means calling each other just to say 'I miss you!' even though we have just seen each other in the morning, love means asking each other to go home fastly because you have some unimportant story to share, these three girls mean love to me! They are my world. I wrote this because last night, one of them called me simply to tell me that she missed me eventhough we have seen eac...

Step one to my dream: Done. Excitedly waiting for the step 2 to come around! Yay! Wish me luck everyone..

Hari ini tugas ke Bali. Aduwh! Males banget. *Bersyukur kie.. bersyukur.. Orang lain mau ke Bali gak bisa, elo bisa ke Bali, malah bilang aduwh!* Ini kata hati gue yang ngomong. :D Kenapa yah? Gue gak pernah excited kalo mau ninggalin rumah. Gak pernah looking forward. Excited paling awalnya doang, pas udah hari H-nya malah nelongso.. PAYAH!! Hari ini ke Bali bareng Wening (fotografer gue), Cune (Orang Gila!) dan Myrna (Nona Penggoda).. Semoga kita have fun lah.. *ayo semangat!!* Ini kata hati gue lagi.. Entar lah pulang dari sana cerita2.. nantikan yah.. huahahha :D As if anyone reads this blog.. :P

Paulo Coelho said "when you want something, the universe will conspire to help you achieve it!". This time, I'm wondering, will the universe conspire in helping me achieving my dreams? It's finally here for me to just GRAB it.. would I be able to do that? I'm scared. But it's common right, to feel scared when you're so close from your dreams. Your wishes. I hope not only I will be brave and GRAB it! But also, I would be able to actually GET it!!! Oh dreams.. You make my heart ache. You make the knot beats stronger here in the center of myself. Oh wishes.. Why can't I just be satisfy with my comfort zone? Why can't I stop wanting? Ooooh.. Please ya Allah.. help me this time! Because I want it so bad. Ps: Let you know in a month if I made it! Hopefully it's good news!

Do I dare to fall? Huahahhaha :D A nice way to end the day.. Seeing the smile.. His smile.. Oh well..

I was just typing. Just now. Just 5 minutes before I started typing in this blog. I was working on this presentation when suddenly I thought of my dad. Something that I wrote in the presentation reminded me of him. I don't know what it is because if I looked at it again, there's nothing really that would remind me of him. I could not remember what it was that reminded me of him. All I could remember is, I was typing then I wanted to tell my dad about the thing that I typed. So, I turned my head to my desk to find my handphone so that I could give him a call. Then, I remember. He's not reachable anymore. He's not here anymore. How could I forget that? After 7 months he was gone? Then I looked his picture on my desk. I still couldn't believe that he's gone. Why? Why can't I remember that he's no longer here? After I looked his picture, I felt this knot. This sudden sadness. Again. He's gone for 7 months now, but.. I still remember the way he looked. Hi...

I realized today that just when you thought you had the worst luck, you'll see someone who has even the worst than your worst luck. I thought I hit rock bottom this morning. There's this knot. Why wouldn't it go away?! It's even worse today. Maybe it was because I had such a bad cough that I couldn't hardly sleep. Maybe it was because of it that I felt sleepy this morning. Maybe it was because I felt sleepy that I missed my morning prayer. Dang it! Maybe it was because of it, I have a bad mood. Maybe it was because I was in just a bad mood that I decided to comment on that stupid internet guy. Maybe it was the comment that made me even in a much worse mood. Maybe it was the mood that made me notice that my staffs just don't care about me. Maybe it was them that made me even sadder and made my mood ever worse. Maybe it was again my mood that made the knot seems bigger and bigger. Maybe it was the knot that finally made me cry today. Just when I thought I reached ...

Gue jenuh. Gue pengen pergi. Gue pengen berhenti melangkah. Gue pengen mengeluh seharian. Gue pengen ngomel. Gue pengen lari yang jauh. Gue pengen tanya Tuhan kenapa gue kok begini amat. Gue pengen tanya Tuhan kok gue gak bisa bersyukur. Hari ini gue jenuh. Gue gak bahagia. Gue mau lari. Gue capek. Gue capek. Gue capek.

Hari ini dimulai dengan Piedut masuk ke kamar gue dengan gedubgrukan seperti biasanya dan seperti biasanya juga, gue kebangun. Belum gue sempet ngomel, dia ngasih tauk sebuah berita yang buat hari gue sedikit gloomy hari ini. "Mbak, Bapaknya Kembang meninggal dunia." Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi Roji'un.. Ya Allah SWT.. Kuatkanlah Kembang hari ini. Kuatkanlah ia menghadapi cobaanMu ini di hari-hari mendatang. Mudahkanlah semua urusannya hari ini. Tabahkanlah ia. Sabarkanlah hatinya. Bantulah ia menemukan hikmah Mu. Iklaskanlah hatinya. Tunjukkanlah jalanMu padanya agar ia dapat menemukan-Mu, agamaMu, merasakan kasih sayang-Mu, Cinta-Mu padanya melalui cobaan ini. Seperti Engkau telah memberikan semua itu kepadaku dihari kelabuku 6 bulan silam dan hingga saat ini. Karena hanya kepada-Mu lah kami memohon dan meminta ya Allah. -For Kembang: the sun doesn't shine as bright for you today, but it will be. The pain wouldn't ever go away, but instead it will make you strong...

"Sebungkus satu.. Sebungkus satu.. Dua bungkus dua.. Dua bungkus dua.. Dua bungkus dua.. Tiga bungkus tiga.. etc" a stupid song created by me and a little improv from my half bitch to make it a perfection. we said that it's created for Indonesian kids to learn multiplication. when it was created just out of boredom and silliness. Real silliness. it's not the first time we have acted stupid, and certainly won't be the last. we have a gazillion of these stupidities on our sleeves to be shown to the world (if our skin is thick enough!) any time now. i love to act stupid. i love being silly. i love making up songs. i love making funny stupid faces. i love laughing hard because of it. when you are able to do all of these in front of someone, then you can consider that someone is your closest. i am glad i have those kind of people around me. just to make a Chintya Maramis or a Stephanie Zimbalis. to make stupid faces with the movement of my lips. to sing anything with m...

Could find a better title for this rambling aside from Rindu or miss. I miss my daddy. A lot. Last Sunday was the 6th month he left us all. Probably why I miss him a lot. Probably why I suddenly feel all these sadness again. Probably why I suddenly have those feelings that I couldn't get up again. That I couldn't continue with my life without him. That I wonder why Allah has taken himf or us. That I feel the knot in my heart again. I miss him. I miss seeing his smile. I miss him teasing all of us. I miss him trying to watch all those TV shows we watch. I miss him laughing. I miss him giving me advices. I miss him driving me nuts. I miss his car. I miss our dine-out weekend. I miss our porn jokes at the dining table. There are many things I miss about him that I couldn't say them all. Simply, I miss him around!!!!

Yup, What is a friend? Or, Who is your friend? I value my friends so highly, my parents used to say that I put my friends before them. So highly, I spent my time with them the night before my dad passed away, instead of with him, who was kinda sick that day. If you had the time to read my other ramblings on Uniform of Friends, you'll see that I don't have a large crowd of best friends, although, I have many crowds. But these people I mentioned in that writing are surely the best ones-or so I thought. Santi I have Santi. What is she for me? She's a lot. I can't even begin to tell you how much she meant in my life. I met her while taking my math degree. What made me friends with her? I dunno. It started when we were both pretended that we were sick during those orientation days. And the next thing I know, she was every where I was-or I was every where she was. Then suddenly, we were no longer Kikie and Santi, it’s Kisan. In one word. What made us connect? I wonder about t...

Could someone please tell me where I am at? All along I thought I'm at one good side, but then today, something struck me. I was not! Oh GOD, help me. Only You can help me. Only You can help me. Only You. GOD. Allah SWT. Tell me.

I made a new blog.. It's called Life Fictions. It supposed to show all my fictions.. And this blog would only contain all my ramblers.. :P So, I can post this short short whinings about my life.. anyways.. check it out. http://lifefictions.blogspot.com/ or Klik the link on the sidebar!

March 13, 2004 Year 27. Today, a year has passed and I reached year 28. Yup, I'm turning 28. Then, I asked myself, so? Rather than making me feel special, it got me thinking, HARD! What have I done for the past year? What has happened? Have I changed to the better? Have I accomplished my goal? dreams? reasons for living? Have I made my loved one happy? Have I made me happy? Have I made new friends? Have I met the Jack Smith, but got stupid and let him go? Those are just some questions.. trust me I have a lot! Well, let's see. Since last march.. Made more money.. Spend more money.. Met my half bitch, and have unimaginable fun with her.. Santi gave birth to Sophie who is now turned to be a very tomboy girl.. Have the lousiest date ever in my life.. Write more.. On my way to reach for my biggest dream.. Got the offer of a lifetime.. Met my old Jack Smith.. Letting go a perfect man and be happy about it.. Met interesting people.. lots of them.. Realizing that my family is the most ...

This week something has happened to me. I have been living in this uncertainty for quite a long time, not because I love it, not because I crave for it, not because I can't live without it, well, it's just because... To tell you the truth, I never even think about this uncertainty anymore, not for a long long time at least! Until one stupid night, when the uncertainty came back to haunt me, to bother my quiet life, to mess up-again!-with my mind. I asked GOD what that meant. I asked GOD why it happened. I asked GOD whether it's a sign. GOD didn't answer me right away. Instead, He let me wait. He let me see. He let me feel this uncertainty. And today, I got the answer to my questions. I finally have the answer. The answer to my uncertainty. It's always been certain that things are always like that with uncertainty. That the uncertainty will never change. That if I have the uncertainty in my life all the time I will be hurt. That the uncertainty is just another piece ...

The day was hot. The trip to the venue was horrid. Traffic Jam. Sunny. Hot, I can’t even feel the Air Con. Good thing I had my mom with me to talk endlessly about anything she found worth mentioning (which was everything). For once, I was actually glad she didn’t stop talking. The event was gonna be the end to a ghastly week. It would hopefully answer my endless questions about how I really felt about the situation. How I really felt about him getting married. Him. The love of my life. For the past week, my feeling has been changing back and forth about this. One minute, I thought ‘I am all right. I never really love him that much anyways’, while other times –most of the time-, I was just a wreck about this, I kept on thinking that this is really the end of my love life. I will never find anyone that could fit me the way he is. Used to be. Has always been. And will always be. Growing up I always have a clear idea of the type of a man that will fit me in every thing. That is perfect for...

It's here. It's real. A yellow invitation with his name on it. No sign that my name will be insight. I thought I'm prepared. I thought I'm ready. Well, here I am. On my knees. Brokedown. Cried. Sigh

It was Thursday, the last day we met. In front of a bus, we parted. We didn’t say anything. We just kissed and drowned ourselves in it since it’d be our last. Relax, nobody died in this story. Like I said, we only parted. Ugh! ‘Only’ is such a soft word, because ‘only’ will simplify everything, because the word will make our parting moment easier to bear, when the moment felt like the end of my love life. Now I know, it probably was. Six month prior to that parting scene. After screaming our head off at the barrack where we would be sleeping that night, my two exchange friends, Nina and Paula, and myself, headed to the big aula to meet other friends from all over Indiana. Since it was the mid-year conference, all exchange students from Indiana were supposed to come, so far, we’ve only known those who lived in upper Indiana (if that’s how people call it). Then, there he was. Playing pool with Oli of Switzerland, with his leather jacket and his skinhead-cut that was hidden inside his hat...

I want to ramble about so many things, but haven't gotten the chance to write.. I want to tell you about what happened at work I want to tell you about Retti, who bought a new laptop I want to tell you about my little sisters I want to tell you about the love of my life who's getting married next week I want to tell you about my new teaching job that I turned down because I am so busy I want to tell you about the new book I've been working on with Retti I want to tell you about the bad date I want to tell you about my sadness that doesn't even make me sad anymore I want to tell you about how I miss Santi so much I want to tell you about my love life that sucks big time but don't even make me care anymore I want to tell you that people dissapoint you somehow, that you can't control their mind, but then there are some that will help you get back on your feet again I want to tell you about the losers I have the chance to meet I want to tell you about interesting pe...

He's home. I love him. Oh, why can't he be mine? Oh, why doesn't he love me back? Oh, why couldn't he find a space in his heart for me? Oh, why doesn't GOD make our path crosses? He's home. I love him. He's perfect. He reminds me of a perfect man. He couldn't be more perfect than he is. He's home I love him. He makes me crave. He makes my heart beats faster. He makes me go crazy without even doing anything. He makes my knees weak. He makes me love. He's home. I love him. I love him. I love him. Oh, God, please let him be my perfect man. -For Mr. Haji, Welcome Home-

Oh my GOD... Huahahahahha :D

Can't stop singing this song today I oughta be workin' But I can't concentrate I oughta be sleepin' 'Steada stayin' up late When I oughta be doing all the things I should do I think about you I oughta be writin' But I can't find the song Just sittin' here driftin' Driftin' along There's only one thing that I wanna do And that's think about you Chorus I think about you - I can't get no rest I think about you - there ain't no one else It's all I can do - I can't help myself Ya - I think about you I could go cruisin' But I've had enough I could go drinkin' But I can't stand the stuff It just don't do me like it used to do I'd rather think about you Oh well

Meeting someone new. Exchanging glances. Heart beats faster. Initial attraction. Could this be love at first sight? Waiting nervously. Jumping at the next sound of hand phone tones. Endless peeking at its screen. Finally, a message from him. Followed by a nice hour of phone conversation. Is this love? Another waiting. Another jumping. Another peeking. Again, messages from him. Again, a nice hour of phone conversation. What is this? Love? Talking. Sweet talking. Cute talking. Serious talking. Well, that doesn’t go anywhere. Different interests. Should I work on these differences? Love is a heart game. Love is not a mind game. I can’t do this. It won’t work. What if the love haze has faded? Love is a heart game. Love is not a mind game. It will be a mind game. When the love haze has faded. Would it stay the same? Too complicated. Simple. A heart of steel. I don’t care. Nothing will do it. Only… Change of heart will do.

Welcome back 'head'. I haven't seen you in a while but I'm so glad you make it back!! What a wonderful day.. Change of Heart. Yay!

Sigh. Sigh. Happy Sigh. Scared Sigh. Uncertain Sigh. Thinking of him Sigh. Wish I could get it all together Sigh. What could happen Sigh. Will we make it Sigh. Tired Sigh. A Long Sigh. A Short Sigh. Where's my head Sigh. Why is it all heart Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. We're too different Sigh. We won't make it Sigh. I love him Sigh. I shouldn't love him Sigh. Why do I love him Sigh. I shouldn't love him Sigh. How could I love him Sigh. I should get back to work Sigh. I have that proposal thing Sigh. I couldn't stop thinking about him Sigh. Sigh. Another Sigh. Another Another Sigh. A lot of Sigh. And It's only 9:12am Thursday Morning.

It all began on Tuesday! Today didn't begin at exactly 12am, it began from yesterday. Started with the rain. I heard the sound at exactly 8pm last night and thought, here we go again and hope that there wouldn't be any traffic to make me late for work and that freakin' stupid interview. Well, the rain continued until morning and didn't stop until 10am. To make it more dramatic, traffic was bad. So, I was stuck for at least 3 hours. The plan to go to the office first to get some papers was immediately cancelled once we heard that Tendean, like usual, is flooded. No office then, I went straight to this place with all those stupid people. It was a job interview. I was so looking forward to it. The aura of the place already gave me a feeling that this place sucks; that I wouldn't ever want to work here. So, after filling in some stupid application form, that even asked questions like the brand of your watch, perfume, and all unnecessary things, I was called...