A Year

September 20, 2004
5:30am

I woke up hesitantly, contemplating what I should do after I finished doing my prayer.
‘Should I go to the office and finish all those works on my event. Or should I go back to sleep. Or should I exercise and burn those calories.’

After thinking hard, I thought I just exercised first, then took a bath, then went to the office. It was Monday and the day of the country’s presidential election.

So I put on my exercise outfit, went downstairs, turned on the vcd player, and I forgot to bring towel for those sweats. Then I entered my parents’ room where I found my dad coughing lightly. I smiled, not sure at whom. But I just walked straightly to the closet where I could always find towels. Still hearing my dad’s coughing. ‘It must be all the ice he drank!’ I thought.

Then he said, “Kie, don’t you know that your dad is sick.’
And without turning my back, I just snapped easily at him, I said,”Bapak sih! It must all the ice you drank!”

He didn’t say anything. And I just walked out of the room without even looking at him.

Then outside, I prepared my drink, pushed the play button, my mom came to kiss me before I began.

6:00am

I was enjoying Friends and laughing at the episode where they have this thanksgiving football game, until I heard a scream.

I didn’t really listen to it at first, I thought it was the maid. Then the scream became louder. I turned off the VCD and then, I could hear clearly that it was my mom’s voice. I was immediately thinking,’Oh GOD, what happen to Daddy? Oh GOD, I’m gonna lose my dad today.’

Never in my wildest dream that the thought would come true.

Halfly running, I entered my parents’ room to find my mom holding my dad in her arms, and saw his whole body shake tremendously.

I panicked.

My mom kept saying,’His feet. His feet. Hold his feet.’ So I did.

I cried and cried and screamed and cried and screamed. Soon after, my sisters joined me with faces that I don’t want to see again in my lifetime. Ika immediately jumped to bed and held his feet. Leli went to call the ambulance. Citra, his favorite daughter, just stood there, trying to understand what’s going on.

I still screamed. Screamed. Screamed.

Because right in front me, shaken hopelessly, my dad, the most powerful man in my life, the man who could do almost everything. Ika then reminded me to be calm. So I did. Then my dad took a very long breath at the end of the long shake, his head fell to my mom’s arms.

He was gone at around 6:15am.

I was still in denial at that time, of course. We all went to the hospital so that we could all say that we tried, spent around an hour at that hospital and watched them trying to help him.

I held his right foot, put it on my face. Talked to him. I said to him, “Daddy, wake up. Don’t joke around with me. Wake up. You haven’t watched me do great things so you can’t go.’ I kept saying that forever.

Then the doctor said, “We can’t do anything anymore.”

He’s officially gone at 6:45am.

That cloudy day on September was a year ago.

A year has passed.
Things has gone back to normal (however you define normal).
But this hole in my heart is still wide-open. Even becomes bigger.

A year has passed.
But here I am, still thinking that he would show up any minute at the door.
Still thinking that he would be sms-ed me with his silly jokes.
Still thinking of calling him whenever good things happen to me at work.
Still thinking that he would ask for my food.
Still thinking that he would ask for the tie that I have promised him.

Still thinking, that he’s around.

sigh.

Dad, I hope you are ok and know that we miss you like crazy!!!